I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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