My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
