I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
