So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
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I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
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The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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