The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
