I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
