She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
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There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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