they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
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The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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