i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
