that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
you made out with another girl for some wings
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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