I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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