I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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