called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
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I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
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Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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