I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
