When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
