you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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