I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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