Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
