fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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