She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
