At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
