3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
