eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
