Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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