god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
wanna go halves on a baby?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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