matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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