You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
