maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I am midnight drunk by noon
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
