i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
