I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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