I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
