so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
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I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
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if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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