Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
this hospital has no fireball
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
