Small penises have feelings too.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
