I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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