Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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