I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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