you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
