sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
