You smell like a Billy Joel song
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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