I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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