Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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