I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
