I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
