It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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