I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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