If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
