Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Holy shit dude........stairs
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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