just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
