I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
