I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize