How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
