I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
